Just about a week ago, I had a horrible emotional breakdown that had me, very literally, crying to my Mom, “I hate life.”
I’m still working on forgiving myself. I really don’t hate life. I just was having a really, really hard time coping. I’ve suffered from chronic depression for most of my life, on and off, then came the “panic disorder,” and add PTSD and C-PTSD to that, it makes for a mix that sometimes, I don’t know where the thoughts and feelings come from. They just come, and I have to work through them. But I know that every time I do that, I heal what has come up, and I don’t ever have to deal with that exact feeling that badly ever again. If I stuff it down, it gets worse. If I cry through it, I heal. Each time, I learn a lesson. I’ve learnt some very powerful lessons. For one, I no longer physically self-injure. That is a huge accomplishment. It’s been over 2 years since I’ve injured myself, and I never will again. That I have survived those episodes and am still functional is a miracle. The pain of this healing process is worth what I know I am doing by practicing different coping skills.
This time my lesson was about my words.
Sure, in that moment, I said what I was feeling. In fact, I think that it would have been even unhealthy for me to pretend like I didn’t feel that way. I let it fly, I let it out. And my Mom did not judge me, or show any emotion until I was ready to face what I’d said.
But I still spoke words, screamed them at times, into the air, with an incredible amount of emotional energy.
And during the Dark Moon, too, and the most viable and beautiful for over a year to come, according to many of my astrological peers (many of whom know much more than I do, my teachers!).
That just made it feel worse, too. I knew that it was the time when I was supposed to be really careful with my thoughts. Instead, I was saying that I wished I had never been born, that my Mom should have let me stay with God. Fucked up shit.
I’m still dealing with undoing them. It’s a nonstop prayer. Undoing cursing one’s own life is something that makes your own cells cry. I have to nurse my entire body, every cell, back to life. It’s going to take a while.
The days following were very rough. I made a damn fool of myself on astro-twitter, sort of begging for attention from people who I admire, painting myself as a desperate person. And in those moments, I was. Well, I was reaching out, really being honest, not only with the content of what I was feeling, but acting it out, really showing my lowest self in way that wasn’t geared toward uplifting others, but trying to find someone to uplift me. And, I was barking up the wrong tree. Painting myself as a victim of my life, like I could not help myself. A very self-sabotaging cycle, and one that I have been falling into for a long time.
But once we really become conscious of some aspect of our shadow, it then becomes illuminated.
So I am spending these next couple of weeks making it a complete commitment to be at once honest with myself, and also loving toward myself.
When the negative thoughts come, if I can’t replace them with positive ones, I just breathe, cry/chant or both. If I can’t even do that, I do something active, like walk my dog, or dance (which is usually some weird combination of shaking, repetitive movements, swaying, and various stretches, not ballet… just movement that lets emotions out). There have even been times where I have softly sung lullabies to myself about the ocean. I know that I have emotions that have been stuffed down so deeply for decades, that I don’t even know where they came from anymore. So much has been blocked out. My childhood was extremely traumatic, both at home and school. I shut down for many years. Much of my adulthood brought me to more and even worse trauma because I had not been able to heal. But I am determined to go through these processes. My life is worth it. I LOVE MY LIFE. I LOVE LIFE!!! EVEN THOUGH it hurts sometimes…quite a lot…so much so that we think we can’t bear it.
“It is my birthright to live fully and freely. I give to Life exactly what I want Life to give to me. I am glad to be alive. I love Life!”
It sounds kind of cheesy to say, but why? Why is “I love sushi” or even “I love you” (to another person) easier to say than “I love Life?” There is a reason why therapists, coaches, and healers recommend that we say things like this to ourselves…and a reason why it often feels so awkward. It reminds us that this thing we call Life actually is so precious and we need to think of it that way if we are to really be in Love. Life and Love are really only one vowel apart… and if you have a cold, they’re the same.
Yes, really, I love life!!! I wouldn’t be here doing this work if I didn’t. And I know that my path involves me excavating this stuff, much of it in public, at least for now. This is as real as it gets without getting brutal. I know that I’ve spent many nights searching for others’ personal writing, in much need of solace, knowing both that I was not alone, and also that others had been there and could from afar, without knowing I existed, lend me strength. So, that is another reason why I publicize this. It is possible to heal. It isn’t easy. It hurts more than hating yourself, honestly – in the short term. But in the long term, when you start to feel the gratitude of your heart healing, you know you must continue. It is not in my capability to communicate how precious your life is – I can only express my own realizations…
But this short film of a single cell of a newt into a fully independent tadpole does it.
Watching this video fills me with a feeling of awe, love, and gratitude that heals me. It’s easily the most amazing short I have seen in a few years. And it’s just a cell coming to life. Maybe it’s life itself that I am captivated by.
This film is called “BECOMING” and it is by Jan van IJken.